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obsidianxangel
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Name: Vermilion
Gender: Female
Interests: I like to write...just like I breathe. I can't live with out music [metal, goth, industrial, doom, visual kei, j-rock, rock, trance, darkwave, and new age]. Karate. Dreaming//the paranormal//love.life.death.
Expertise: Secrets.
Message: message me
MSN: obsidianxangel@hotmail.com
Member Since:
1/6/2006
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| I am here, impossibly alive, dusting the stars off my sleeves. My knuckles whiten around a bizarrely legible prescription: Believe everything. The side effects (terror, delirium, ecstasy, suicidal thoughts, lunacy, enlightenment, schizoid breaks from reality, imprisonment, chemical torture, the Knowledge of Good and Evil, amnesia, empathy) are not known at this time. Mother left the moon on for me, so I could read as I stumbled to the neighborhood (franchised) pharmacy. No cigarettes to burn, only three nicotine patches and a stick of the gum allowed, so I light all of them. The Pharmacist won't look me in the eye and pretends to cough at the smoke, but she fills the prescription, and in her unintelligible German accent, she mumbles the side effects. I smile, nod, and as soon as I've closed the door and have dodged the eye of the surveillance camera, I swallow thirty of the pills with a shot of whiskey. After five blocks and seven stumbling alleys, a meteorite punches the pavement to my left. A falling star. And it occurs to me that a wish almost annihilated me, but I've passed under the third yellow light in a row and I yank another wish out of my bra. A hangnail scratches by breast in the intensity of my suicide wish, and all I do is bleed. Nothing less. Nothing more. No gush of pulsating blood or waning of any existing pulse. Only a steady drip, like the frigid grip of my stir crazy Mother and the infinite tirades that drip from her lips. Nothing but the steady waning of my heartbeat and the echoes of my last words with not even a nymph to hear. Do they make any sound at all?
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| I just saw how much extra money I'm getting back from all of my scholarships and grants after tuition (not after books though, but the cost of my books will be around $100-$200 because I already have several of the books I need). Let's just say that I came. Twice. It's going to be more money than I've ever had in my entire life.
I'm pretty excited for August to roll around. 
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| That's about all I can say about my first year at college as it comes to an end. Was it what I expected in August? Hell, no. Was it awesome? Yes.
I'm going to steal a quote from Frankie and say that "I have lost and gained so much in so little time." That is incredibly true of this year. I failed myself in more ways than one, but I was also victorious at times when I didn't think it was possible.
Yes, breaking up with Keegan, failing a class, getting arrested, falling further away from Ties, and going on antidepressants were definitely unexpected and some of those things were huge blows, but I am happy to say that I have taken what I can from each experience and I have used these experiences to make me a stronger person.
And then there were the things that were equally as unexpected as the above experiences: getting published, winning the undergrad writing contest, getting a B in Honors Calc I, making amends with Rachel and with Keegan, meeting some wonderful friends, taking a class with Goldbarth (and it going incredibly well), and starting to be trained to be a literary editor for Blank Zine are definite victories that I am proud to take away with me.
This was an incredibly hard year. It was terrible, but it was wonderful. As strange as it may seem, I am glad that everything happened the way it did. It has made me who I am today, and who I am today is someone that I am proud of. Even though I just ended a sentence with a preposition. :P
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| "...you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two."
must we ride alone to achieve salvation?
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| So tonight I have my first poetry reading. *gasp* One of my poems, "The Cleaner," was accepted for Poetry for the Masses and I'm reading at the release party!
Wish me luck and stuff.
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